IMAGO by Heather N.
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Dumbells, push-ups, running in the rain.
Crying, screaming, pills & pain.
Measure my waist & step on the scale.
I look in the mirror: my face is going pale.
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Starving, dizziness, falling down dead.
Can’t think. Can’t sleep. Can’t go to bed.
My eyes are sinking. My bones protruding.
But I keep on smiling before concern starts speaking.
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Cut out more calories & all of my friends,
Because it will be here ’til the very end.
I don’t deserve happiness or feeling safe.
So here I stay, stuck with “it,” in a scared place.
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A pounding heart, a purge with blood,
A loss of hair, a loss of love.
“It” reminds me I’m worthless.
And will never be perfect.
“It’s” a jealous lover, I know,
But for some reason, I just can’t let it go.
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So I try to numb out by drinking & snorting,
Hurting & cutting.
Yet I hide the scars & tear-stained cheeks,
Turning my emotions into valleys & peaks.
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Stumbling homeless through the streets late at night,
Strangers, drugs & a constant fight.
I blame “it” on my childhood or anyone at all.
Everyone except me & thus the deeper I fall.
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Shaking in the morning, drunk by day,
And I ask myself, How’d my youth slip away?
Lonely & sad, desperate & half dead,
I look at my life: there’s nothing left, because I did what “it” said.
I remember I had dreams before “it” came over and in.
How do I get them back & not let “it” win?
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I thought “it;” “It” this addiction was all I am & all I had.
I thought this addiction was going to keep me from hurting & feeling so bad.
But all you did was lie to me & set me up to fail,
Leaving me to slowly die, in my own prison cell.
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I thought you said with you, I’d never feel alone.
But everyone is gone, just keep hanging up the phone.
You told me I would be invincible & never have to feel.
But I am powerless over you, praying & hoping to heal.
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I know now I deserve love & joy & to feel truly safe.
I don’t need your lie anymore that my life is just a waste.
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Maybe in the past I have lost some battles before,
But all that matters now, is that I have not lost the war.
I am worth my life, I am worth my recovery, I am worth it all.
And with God by my side, even when I’m weak, I will never fall.
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You once took away my heart & soul & made me go insane.
But I am NOT my addiction. That is NOT my name.
So without you now, I’m beautiful, happy & free.
I’m a precious creation of God, that which I can finally see.
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So thank you for your time, but I don’t need you anymore.
It’s not you, it’s me, so beat it now & don’t forget,
when you leave…
shut the f-ing door.
4 May 2010